Once upon a time on a cold wintery November day the most perfect baby girl that ever was, was born in Princess Alexandra Hospital in Harlow, Essex..........Oh you want to know the story of my illnesses?

 

I was diagnosed with Addisons Disease in 1989. I was 9 years old. I had been unwell for months prior to the diagnosis. I had had lots of chest, kidney and urine infections as a child and was always the one with the runny nose. These were always treated with antibiotics. The months leading up to my diagnosis my parents had been taking me to visit my GP regularly with their concerns about my general fatigue and met a lot of cynicism and were told that it would pass. As time went on my symptoms became much worse. I had no energy, I lost weight, had decreased appetite, I was pale and gaunt. I was vomiting and had diarrhoea and I couldn't sit up or stand. I had very low blood pressure and suffered horrible dizziness all the time. I had a very low temperature and I can remember for the first time feeling like I just wanted to die. When my Mum and Dad took me to Accident and Emergency I was close to organ failure. I had a cardiac arrest and my kidneys began to shut down.

 

The doctors did tests to find the cause of my ill health but by some miracle chance a student doctor that was assisting had studied the very rare Addisons Disease in his training at medical school and he recognised the symptoms. His knowledge of the disease proved to be extremely fortuitious in my case and I owe him my life.

 

Even though there is no cure for Addisons Disease my family and I were massively relieved to have a name for this illness and better still, a treatment.

 

So I was sent home with my new medication and lived happily ever after

 

The End......Not!

 

But that is kind of what we expected to happen, my parents were so relieved that it wasn't something much worse and doctors weren't as knowledgeble about the emotional aspects of living with chronic illness that we just tried to go back to normal life.

 

Nowadays we have the internet and endless resources to research and educate ourselves on all manner of health issues but back then it wasn't as easy. We knew what Addisons was and how to treat it but that was it. We also knew that in times of extreme stress or illness I might experience an Addisons Crisis. I had plenty, in fact I found that almost every month I would have a crisis and not always brought on by illness or stress, perhaps just being overtired or having a cold.  I had so many crisis I have lost count. I had 33 crisis in a 12 month period during my teenage years.

I hated being ill and I would always pretend I wasn't as ill as I was, and I think I was in denial about my condition.

 

I was having such a lot of time away from school and I didn't reach my potential in my exams. I did get on to a college course I wanted but it was a real struggle, I was so tired all the time that the whole year I was there I seemed to just be drifting through each day, I can remember sitting in class unable to stop yawning. My head was foggy, I couldn't concentrate and remembering anything new was impossible. After the first term I was told I would have to re-sit the entire year. I dropped out of the course and a month later I understood why I couldn't keep up. 

 

I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, I was 17 and I thought to myself "Okay, no big deal" .....It is a big deal, it's a horrible, big, ugly deal and if I had thought that then I might be better off now. I'm all about being optimistic and positive but sometimes you have to face facts, having any chronic illness is really tough and you need to prepare yourself for the effects it will have on your life. I then went through a stage of feeling totally ashamed and embarrassed, I didn't want anyone to know. Then the "angry" stage, then the "my doctor is wrong, I don't have Diabetes" stage. I went through them all and I'm still going through them now.  There is no end stage, there is of course acceptance, which is as close as it gets to the end stage. I highly recommend this stage. Others not so much.

 

In 2004 I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism or Under-Active Thyroid. This was a strange one for me because although the symptoms were quite undesirable, I didn't really notice them until they were gone. My routine blood test showed that this new condition was present and I was given the thyroid hormone medication to treat the condition.  The symptoms I was experiencing were really nasty headaches and brain fog, lucid dreams, some hair loss in my eyebrows and night sweats. All these things I overlooked because I thought they were part of diabetes.

 

So I could take you through every diagnosis bit by bit but you can see how it goes. My list of illnesses is getting longer and with each new condition I try to deal with them the best I can.

 

Over the years I have come close to death more than I'd care to know. I have heard doctors say how strong I must be, and how lucky I am. I have seen the look on my parents faces when they are in despair.

I have been in emergency rooms, resuscitation units and intensive care wards and I have seen doctors looking panicked and nurses looking shocked at how ill I am. I have come round from unconciousness and diabetic comas knowing that I was only moments away from the end

 

I have always struggled to control my diabetes and at times especially when I was young didn't prioritize it at all. I now know the importance of keeping the best control you can of your blood sugars. Glucose in your blood is a slow killer and will damage every cell in time. I have lots of complications of Diabetes. I have Diabetic Retinopathy, Proliferative Retinopathy, Diabetic Neuropathy, Nephrotic syndrome and Chronic Kidney Disease which is brought on by poorly controlled diabetes.

 

Every day I wake up I feel tired and drained. Every movement is an effort and most days I just want to go back to bed, I feel lethargic all the time and I only feel alright when I'm slouching on the sofa. I feel guilty for being a couch potato and I feel like a lazy slob. My mind wants me to run and jump and exercise and be active but my body won't allow it. I get down, I get sad, I get really disheartened but then I get up, I get happy and I lift up my heart and remind myself, there is someone worse off than me and I have to be grateful for what I have got. I remind myself that I shouldn't be here but I am, and I am here for a reason.

 

I have so many things to be truly grateful for. I have the most caring, kind, loving and supportive Family and Friends I could ever wish for. I have a lovely life. I try not to let a day go by without noticing something good, even if it's a simple thing like enjoying how good a White Russian tastes, or how someone's laugh lifts your spirit or how God damn hot Bradley Cooper is. I know its sounds corny, but if you find the good stuff in life it definitely outweighs the bad. I am grateful for all the times that my body hasn't given up, for all the fights it has won and for every blessing and bit of good fortune that I have had. I am grateful to all the doctors and nurses that have cared for me and kept me safe. I am grateful and I always count my lucky stars. The thing I am most grateful for is the person who has never left my side through it all. Every appointment, every blood test, every scan, x-ray, infusion, cannula, arterial blood gas, injection, bed, ward, sick bowl, doctor, nurse, 3 am hypo, crisis, crazy wardmate, letter, sicknote, day, night, teardrop, heartache and every pain. My Mum.  Her unconditional love will never stop surprising me. 

 

Living with chronic illness is so tough and the emotional and mental aspects can be just as difficult to deal with as the physical and medical condition. I believe that dealing with your feelings and emotions are a huge part of the continual care and maintenance of your condition. In many ways a diagnosis can feel like a bereavement and a new condition requires massive changes to your life style. For me acceptance is key. Only once I had accepted that this is my lot in life and that these illnesses aren't going away made the world of difference. Actually accepting them doesn't mean they define me or who I am.

I am not just a Diabetic or an Addisons Disease sufferer. I am Tracy who has Diabetes. I am Tracy who happens to have Addison's. I am Tracy who writes a blog about Chronic Illness. I am Tracy and I am fricking fabulous! Well you know what I mean.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

 

Tracy